The Fallacy of Facial Tissue

After posting my first blog last week, I've been considering the nomenclature of common kitchen items and toiletries more than can possibly considered normal.  Let's face it, I crossed that line before I ever even published that first post.  But from these abnormal thoughts and a series of conversations with friends and coworkers came a realization:   Facial tissues have been named in a terribly inaccurate manner.  Here I present a pie chart of figures which I have made up myself, but am certain are pretty accurate.

From this we can see that while a large percentage of "facial tissues" are used for appropriate purposes such as nose cleaning, the overwhelming majority are used other ways.  Masturbation is not surprisingly the most common way that tissues are put to use, with a whopping 32%.  However, it is not likely that you will be seeing Puffs or Kleenex brand "Masturbation Tissues" hitting the shelves of your local supermarket.

Despite the number of tissues used for containing the spills of self-gratification, few would argue against its use as emergency toilet paper as one of its most essential functions.  They don't typically serve the purpose as well as toilet paper, but no other option offers the unique combination of availability and flushability that is essential in a backup solution to such a potentially disastrous problem.  They offer similar results in less urgent situations as napkin substitutes and show their tougher utilitarian side when relocating an unwelcome arachnid to the toilet, trashcan, or in more humane cases - the bushes outside.  The remaining 13% perform an array of essential functions including creating pocket fuzz in washing machines, plugging holes in window screens, and stuffing preteen bras. Given that 71% of all the tissues in question are used as anything but facial tissues, I feel that a more appropriate title ought to be given to them.  I, for one, will be pushing for "utility tissues."  Don't worry.  I don't expect this movement to ever really take off.  Even if they were to become universally sold as utility tissues, you would still just call them kleenexes.